Today, I've spent a number of hours with a girlfriend of mine in tears, pouring her heart out to me.
Her husband is leaving her.
She is distrought. Devastated. Heartbroken. And so she should be. She loved him. But unfortunately the love was not recipricated.
Her's was an unusual marriage. That is to say, it wasn't for love but for other reasons. They lived and carried on as any normal couple would, except it was agreed that at some stage, he would leave the 'marriage'. She accepted that, but over the years she secretly hoped that he would start to love her and want to stay with her.
Now that time has come and she cannot understand why he doesn't want to stay with her.
What do you say to someone in this situation? I have tried to talk to her over the last year about how she'd cope with the inevitable, but she always seemed to just want to brush it off, saying she'd hope he'll change his mind.
Why do we try to cling onto something we know deep down in our hearts will never come about? Why do we fool ourselves that they'll change thier minds and life will be a wonderful bed of roses?
She's too heartbroken to be told the obvious at the moment, such as he's never been faithful to her (I caught him at a restaurant one evening Interstate with a 'girlfriend'. When I tackled him about it, he just shrugged and said that she knows the situation and that it's a 'temporary' marriage). Or that he has never loved her, although regards her as a friend and that he was basically using her.
I could have reported him to the authorities, but then she would also get into trouble as she instigated the 'arrangement'.
It's heartbraking for me to see my friend in such distress, but at the end of the day she knew it was going to happen. Do I callously say 'Well I told you!!!',. or 'You knew it was coming, pick yourself up and get on with your life'
Or do I treat her with kid gloves? I can't put myself in her shoes as I don't think I would ever get myself in the same situation as she did and knowingly enter into a relationship, knowing it wasn't going to last.
I am really concerned for her, as over the years she has become needy of him and everyhting she does is focused on what he does. She's never tried any of the activities she shared on her own. I've suggested we go away for a weekend, but she says she can't bring herself to going away without him.
What do I do? Apart from being there as a friend. What would you do? Would you ever put yourself in the same situation as she did? I know of a number of other couples who have done the same thing. Most of them have been able to amicably go thier own ways when the time was up. Although one did end up getting deported when she reported him before his time was up :-)
It has drained me, as I could see it coming. And I thought I'd prepared myself to help her cope with it - but I fear her heartbreak is greater then I anticipated it would be.
Wise words of wisdom from you kind folks would be welcome here. I'm lost for what to do next to help her.
Her husband is leaving her.
She is distrought. Devastated. Heartbroken. And so she should be. She loved him. But unfortunately the love was not recipricated.
Her's was an unusual marriage. That is to say, it wasn't for love but for other reasons. They lived and carried on as any normal couple would, except it was agreed that at some stage, he would leave the 'marriage'. She accepted that, but over the years she secretly hoped that he would start to love her and want to stay with her.
Now that time has come and she cannot understand why he doesn't want to stay with her.
What do you say to someone in this situation? I have tried to talk to her over the last year about how she'd cope with the inevitable, but she always seemed to just want to brush it off, saying she'd hope he'll change his mind.
Why do we try to cling onto something we know deep down in our hearts will never come about? Why do we fool ourselves that they'll change thier minds and life will be a wonderful bed of roses?
She's too heartbroken to be told the obvious at the moment, such as he's never been faithful to her (I caught him at a restaurant one evening Interstate with a 'girlfriend'. When I tackled him about it, he just shrugged and said that she knows the situation and that it's a 'temporary' marriage). Or that he has never loved her, although regards her as a friend and that he was basically using her.
I could have reported him to the authorities, but then she would also get into trouble as she instigated the 'arrangement'.
It's heartbraking for me to see my friend in such distress, but at the end of the day she knew it was going to happen. Do I callously say 'Well I told you!!!',. or 'You knew it was coming, pick yourself up and get on with your life'
Or do I treat her with kid gloves? I can't put myself in her shoes as I don't think I would ever get myself in the same situation as she did and knowingly enter into a relationship, knowing it wasn't going to last.
I am really concerned for her, as over the years she has become needy of him and everyhting she does is focused on what he does. She's never tried any of the activities she shared on her own. I've suggested we go away for a weekend, but she says she can't bring herself to going away without him.
What do I do? Apart from being there as a friend. What would you do? Would you ever put yourself in the same situation as she did? I know of a number of other couples who have done the same thing. Most of them have been able to amicably go thier own ways when the time was up. Although one did end up getting deported when she reported him before his time was up :-)
It has drained me, as I could see it coming. And I thought I'd prepared myself to help her cope with it - but I fear her heartbreak is greater then I anticipated it would be.
Wise words of wisdom from you kind folks would be welcome here. I'm lost for what to do next to help her.
posted by:
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Melbourne
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Wed, May 2, 2007 - 7:07 AMI finally learned numerous times from early relationships the dangers of putting one's heart in the hands of someone that does not return the love. It took many years to finally break that pattern in my life. One SERIOUSLY has to ask of themselves "do I think this little of myself to settle for such unhappiness?" Also, what fear factor makes people choose a partner who doesn't love back? This also has to be seriously questioned and answered. Getting to the root is the only way towards understanding the self more, and this is what breaks life-long patterns of disfunctional behavior. She needs to ask of herself "why have I chosen this?". Understanding this will break the pattern and she'll have more fulfilling relationships.
Continue to be a loving friend and ask the questions needed that she might not otherwise approach. Therapy is a good suggestion too, if your friend is brave and open to healing, the right therapist will work wonders. You're friendship will grow closer to because YOU won't be in the role of therapist, you'll be free to give the best gift of all, a loving heart and true friendship.
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Wed, May 2, 2007 - 2:38 PMIt is not a matter of treating her with kid gloves NOR of being brutal.
It boils down to herself ALONE. Only SHE can move through the grieving process...when the time comes. No one can do it for her. I would say that, her "husband" has been honest with her from the get go.
I would also hope that when/if the "husband" has had "affairs" that he has not flaunted them in her face and has been discreet.
One might wonder why the "husband' got involved w/anyone while still in the marriage..... and yet, and yet.... we are all human and even though we try to avoid situations where we are hurting people... we have needs.
There is no judgement on the "husband" nor the "wife". She must go through her broken heart grief....period. Because HE is clearly not going to stay. The sooner she acknowledges that and starts working through the pain... the better off she will be.
It's just my 2 cents.
If this woman is truly your friend. You'll just comfort her when she asks for it. You'll not beat her about the head with reality because in the end... reality is tough enough. She'll have to figure out how to portray the failed marriage to her social circle on her own terms.... she may even lie about it. Who cares... SHE's the one who has to deal.
Just provide empathy for her feelings. You don't have to justify the situation. Just be supportive of her grieving process.
Well I've beat that horse to death. I do not envy her. But such is the human condition, we sometimes get into situations that are nothing but pain and heartache. Hopefully, we learn from them.
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Wed, May 2, 2007 - 2:57 PMSince this sounds like a marriage of convenience that was for her benefit and the husband was merely helping her out and was upfront that he didn't love her, she really brought this grief upon herself by deluding herself that he would somehow change his mind and fall in love with her and their life would be lived happily ever after. Sad, but true. (and one hell of a run-on sentence.)
But regardless of that, she is obviously grieving and as a friend I would just be there for her. Be a friendly ear to just listen to her as she processes her grief...even if ever fiber in your being is screaming "I told you so." No one needs to hear that when their life is falling apart. If she asks for your advice, give it with compassion. Check in on her every so often and see if she might want to go for a hike or out to a movie or something. Things that help make her feel not so alone. Help her to start getting used to getting out and doing things with people other than her husband. That sort of stuff.
I can't say if I would ever get into that situation myself, as I do not know all the circumstances. Certain situations could be extreme enough to cause us to do things we once thought we would never do. -
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Wed, May 2, 2007 - 5:00 PMRoisin your the perfect friend for this woman, i know your giving the best advice for her situation. She is probably really needing some attention and getting alot from you. She knows in her heart (or gut) what's right or how it really is. She may just be insecure and getting alot of security in your attention.
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Thu, May 3, 2007 - 10:58 AMI don't think you should give her any advice unless she asks you for it, directly and point blank. She probably just needs time to grieve and adjust. If she has become needy and dependent on him then maybe the marriage was no good for her anyway. She deserves someone who loves her, not someone who is using her.
She doesn't need to hear all that from you, she is smart enough to figure it out for herself WHEN SHE IS READY. What she needs is a shoulder to cry on, a non-judgemental ear. If you keep the idea in her mind that it is for the best and she will eventually thrive without him, your attitude will reflect that and she can pick up your faith in her.
If this goes on for way too long, like for months, and she hasn't moved on, you may need to say something to her because you will want your friend back, not someone who is stuck. Maybe you will want to take her out for some fun, to show her there is life after HIM. But for now, just be her friend and let her go through the healing process.
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Thu, May 3, 2007 - 12:54 PMnever underestimate the power of denial..... -
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Thu, May 3, 2007 - 1:58 PMpretty much what Lisa said - you are the perfect friend for her.......I wouldn't let her "indulgence" go on too long. As some point, you may have to give her a good whack and say, "Snap out of it!" We all need someone to say that to us sometimes. -
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Fri, May 4, 2007 - 6:00 AMThank you all so much for your support. Without sounding too callous, it can be draining emotionally supporting a friend.
Last night I just wanted to slap her face and tell her to 'get a life' - thankfully she was on the phone.
Tonight she called and apologised. She said she's feeling such a prat at the moment for staying on, what she called, her delusional rollercoaster ride. On one hand she says she was fully aware that it would come to all this - but on the other, she really was insecure and thought she could find solace in him - but she realises it only ever was an arrangement.
She's still hurting. The bitch of the whole situation is that they both still want to be friends - but she's not sure she can cope with that at the moment. He's volunteered to work on a project interstate for the next 3-4 weeks, so that should give them some decent time apart to reflect.
In the meantime, I'll take her to the wineries this weekend. It's going to be wet and miserable - so hopefully they'll have some log fires burning and we have a warm glass of mulled wine.
Many thanks again for your support. -
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Fri, May 4, 2007 - 9:43 AM<<<Without sounding too callous, it can be draining emotionally supporting a friend. >>>
I so understand this. I have a friend who is on year three of not getting past her boyfriend leaving her. It's been seriously draining for all of us who are close to her. At some point you do just want to smack them upside the head and yell "snap out of it! move on!"
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Fri, May 4, 2007 - 7:03 PMRoisin... Wow. Weird. How does one get into such a situation in the first place? But that's beside the point.
Instead of slapping your friend, as tempting as it might be, how about suggesting, strongly, that she get herself some counselling. You might even give her some suggestions on some counsellors to contact. But you may also need to tell her that you can't help her unless she gets some serious help.
She also has to hear that there's no shame in it. If we break and arm we go to the hospital. If our car's transmission falls out, we go to a mechanic. If our hearts and minds are about to break then we need to go to an expert for some help. We should do it more often.
And that "they want to be friends" thing. Forget it. I don't know if you can tell her that but she needs to hear it from somewhere. That's mad. Maybe 6 months or a year from now they can talk nicely but not today. No way. She has to get over the hurt and figure out who she is. Without him coming along and messing up the picture on a regular basis.
But, Roisin, as others here have said, you sound like a wonderful friend. I'm sure you'll find a good way to help her. :-) -
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Mon, May 7, 2007 - 2:26 AMWe fool ourselves because we hope. Even though the truth is staring us in the face we still hope. Since I recently went through this kind of heartbreak with a husband who in reality would never stay with me the rest of my life, I can honestly say the best thing is to simply be there to listen. I needed that most of all and it was friends like you that got me through. That listened to the same crap over and over and were simply there for me until I worked my own way through it.
You seem like a great friend and she is lucky to have you. -
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Mon, May 7, 2007 - 8:57 AMHi Roisin, just joined so I could pipe up here...
You do sound like an amazing friend, don't forget to take care of yourself too, but it sounds to me like you have a handle on that too.
Why we fool ourselves, I'd have to agree with Kwsity on that one... we hope for change. There's no other reason I can think of that someone would get themselves into that kind of a pickle other than truly believing that she could change him, or convince him of something, or whatever. Recipe for disaster, IMX. You've got to be able to love someone EXACTLY as they are, or it will never work. And, it kinda has to go both ways. Poor woman, I really feel for her. She IS lucky to have you. :-)
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Thu, May 10, 2007 - 8:58 AMBlair, I agree with you. There are six billion people in the world. She can pick friends that uplift her, nourish her, support her growth, not people who have hurt her, (whether it was intentional or not, whether she allowed it to happen or not.)
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Mon, May 14, 2007 - 10:10 AMI agree with what everyone else has said, and I might further add, (even though this has been said too) make sure you take care of yourself as well. Suggesting counseling for her is a great idea...gets you out of the hot seat a bit, and allows her to work on her issues in a professional setting. Sometimes all we can do is give our hurting loved ones a big hug and lots of support. Allowing ourselves to bogged down in other folk's issues (I do this all the time...I'm not really one to talk! ;-)) doesn't do them any good, nor does it do us any good.
You are a splendid friend, Roisin...hope it starts feeling better for you and your friend soon!
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Re: Why do we try to fool ourselves?
Fri, July 27, 2007 - 8:07 PMYou are allowing her to drain the life out of you! The next call, you firmly tell her you'll always be an ear, but in small doses. She needs to stand on her own, otherwise she'll just sob to you endlessly. There is a point when one can only take so much , friends or not. Why should you be brought down into the mess?
Be firm, she'll survive and you'll feel less stressed.
Love,
Oona
